The Myth of the Perfect Family—Why "Repair" is the Real
When families come into my Junction office, there is often a lot of pressure to "fix" things so that arguments stop happening entirely. We have this cultural idea that a healthy family is one that is always in sync. But in reality, life is messy, especially in the middle of a cold Canadian winter when everyone is a bit more irritable and cooped up indoors.
The goal of healthy family therapy isn't to eliminate conflict; it's to get better at repair.
✨ The Science of Rupture and Repair
In Emotion-Focused Family Therapy (EFFT), we talk about "ruptures". Those moments where connection breaks down because of a misunderstanding, a sharp word, or a boundary that wasn't respected.
The Rupture: A biological event. When a parent and child are "out of sync," both nervous systems can go into a state of alert.
The Repair: The act of coming back together to acknowledge what happened. Repair is what actually builds secure attachment. It tells a child (or a partner) that even when things go wrong, the relationship is strong enough to handle it.
🛋️ Practical Family Repair in Real Life
Repair doesn't have to be a long, dramatic conversation. It’s about noticing the physical tension and choosing to soften.
Step 1: Notice Your Own Bracing: Before you try to talk to your child or partner, check in with your own body. Are your shoulders up to your ears? Is your breath shallow? You can’t repair a relationship if your own system is in "fight" mode.
Step 2: Offer the Olive Branch: A repair can be as simple as saying, "Hey, I was a bit sharp with you earlier because I was stressed about work. I’m sorry about that."
Step 3: Focus on Co-regulation: Sometimes, repair is just about being physically present. Sitting on the couch together without the TV on, or going for a quick walk around the neighbourhood, helps your nervous systems get back in sync.
✨ Why It Matters
When families focus on repair instead of perfection, the "volume" of the stress in the house goes down. You move from being "opponents" to being a team that knows how to find their way back to each other.
📣 Ready to Build Connection?
If family dynamics are feeling strained this month, remember that every rupture is an opportunity for a better repair. If you’re looking for Family Therapy in the Junction or virtually across Ontario, let's work on the skills that bring you back together.
📍 Book an EFFT session with Sarah
⚖️ Disclaimer: This post is intended for informational and educational purposes only.
