Self-Work While in Relationship
When we talk about self-work, it can sound like something done alone, in your own head, on your own time. However, in couples and family therapy, self-work is often a relational process. It happens with the other person in the room. They become a mirror, a trigger, a teacher, and a co-regulator.
This week, we explore how relational self-awareness, the ability to notice, name, and shift your patterns while staying connected, is often the most transformative work of all.
🧭 Learning About Yourself in the Room
Self-work in a relational context isn’t about blame or perfection. It’s about:
Noticing how you show up when things get hard
Getting curious about what’s happening in your body when conflict arises
Asking yourself: Am I open to hearing something uncomfortable — and staying connected anyway?
Sometimes it’s our partner, child, or parent who reveals what’s still tender inside us, not by doing anything wrong, but by being close enough to touch those parts.
A key skill in relational healing is flexibility: both emotionally, cognitively, and behaviourally.
Here’s how flexibility might look in practice:
You pause instead of defending yourself
You try on another perspective, even if it’s uncomfortable
You shift a tone, pattern, or response — not because you’re “wrong,” but because you care
When you're flexible, your system feels less rigid, more open. You can stay present without collapsing or bracing. That’s a somatic signal of growth.
✨ Somatic Practice: Checking for Flexibility
Try this short practice with someone you’re close to, like a partner, friend, or family member:
Think of a recent disagreement or tension.
As you remember it, notice your body. Do you feel tight? Guarded? Defensive?
Ask: Am I willing to shift how I respond, even a little, if it helps us connect?
See what happens in your breath, your muscles, your posture.
Share your body’s answer with your person, if it feels safe:
“I think I get tense because I don’t feel heard.”
“I want to be more open — but I’m not sure how yet.”
This isn’t about surrendering or self-sacrificing. It’s about co-creating safety, moment by moment.
🛋️ Tend to it in Therapy
Bring these questions into your next couples or family session:
“How can I practice being flexible with you without losing myself?”
“When do you feel me shut down or resist? Can we explore that together?”
“What does it look like when I am open and flexible? Can we notice that more often?”
📣 Prepared for Action?
Relational healing isn’t a solo project.
If you’re ready to explore how your body, beliefs, and behaviours show up with the people you love, we can do it together.
