Connection vs. Performance: How to Be Seen, Not Just Present
From the Therapist’s Chair
The holiday party circuit often brings a hidden pressure: the need to perform. We feel compelled to be witty, successful, high-energy, or perfectly composed. We are so busy trying to manage the external perception that we lose the opportunity for genuine connection.
Here’s what I want you to know: How are you connecting while performing?
✨ Therapy as Unmasking: The Science of Neuroception
In therapy, we understand this drive to perform through the lens of Neuroception: the unconscious way your nervous system assesses safety in your environment. If you fear rejection (a threat to attachment), your system sends out a signal: Be interesting! Don’t mess up! This forces you into a high-energy, inauthentic performance.
Therapy doesn’t just help you process the past; it helps you practice Neuroception of Safety. It is a process of unmasking where:
You learn to tend to the internal feeling of threat without reacting to it.
You build the capacity to stay present and authentic even when others are not.
You commit to the wholeness of your experience, rather than editing yourself for public consumption.
Like weaving together time-honoured techniques with modern expertise, the consistent work helps your nervous system recognize that you are safe right here.
🛋️ In the Therapy Room
I often see empowerment bloom when clients realize they can drop the mask:
Instead of rehearsing answers, can you shift your focus to staying grounded and see where that takes your conversation?
If you fear silence, can you allow yourself to pause while the other person fills it?
What does being present look like to you?
These are starting points for an immersive and deeper relational experience.
✨ Try This Somatic Reflection
This weekend, challenge the need to perform in a simple social setting (e.g., a coffee shop, a friend’s casual visit).
Anchor: Feel the chair beneath you or the ground under your feet.
Allow the Space: Intentionally allow silence to enter the conversation without rushing to fill it. Notice the impulse to perform or fill the void.
Choose Presence: If the impulse arises, gently turn your attention back to your feet and the sound of your own breath. You are practicing being authentic and present, not just productive.
📣 Prepared for Action?
Let go of the pressure to put on a show this December. Choosing to drop the performance is the first step toward genuine, mutual connection. If you are ready to learn how the science of your nervous system can support your authenticity, we can start there.
Resource for Deeper Learning: For a foundational understanding of the nervous system’s search for safety, explore the work of Dr. Stephen Porges and Polyvagal Theory.
