From the Therapist’s Chair: What Couples & Family Therapy Can (and Can’t) Do
This week in Tend to it Tuesday, we explored the realities — and limitations — of family and couples therapy. Today, I’m reflecting on what this work can feel like in practice, both for clients and clinicians, from the therapist's chair.
Not all family therapy looks the same. And no one arrives at the process without a story, sometimes many stories. Some come in already clear on what hurts. Others arrive hoping I can somehow fix someone else in the room.
But here’s the thing I always try to hold:
Therapy is a process, not a magic wand. It’s a space to explore, witness, and sometimes renegotiate the patterns we carry in our relationships.
🛋️ In the Therapy Room
What can couples or family therapy actually offer?
💬 A place to say the unsaid with support.
🧭 A map to track relational dynamics (not just who’s “right”).
🔄 A structured space for pattern interruption and new choices.
🫂 A chance to build co-regulation, emotional safety, and boundaries.
What can’t it do?
🚫 Force change in others.
🚫 Undo years of pain in one session.
🚫 Replace accountability with neutrality.
🚫 Guarantee that staying together is always the healthiest outcome.
And that’s hard to sit with… for clients and sometimes for us, as therapists. We want healing, cohesion, hope. But that process may begin with acknowledging what can’t be controlled, and choosing how to show up anyway.
✨ A Practice for Therapists and Clients
Whether you’re a therapist supporting couples or families, or a client doing your own inner work around relationship struggles, here’s a reflective practice to bring into your day:
Relational Body Check-In
Think of a recent relational moment that felt activating — good or bad.
Pause and notice: Where do you feel it in your body?
Ask: What does this sensation want me to know about this relationship?
You don’t have to fix the feeling. You’re simply practicing listening to your body’s relational wisdom.
🛋️ Tend to It in Therapy
Clients sometimes say:
“I thought therapy would make my partner realize they’re wrong.”
“I’m scared that if I speak up, it’ll cause more distance.”
“I don’t even know what healthy conflict is supposed to feel like.”
These are not signs of failure; they’re signals of readiness to explore. In sessions, we often start by identifying small relational shifts, such as a new question, a gentler tone, or a slower pause. Small things that ripple outward.
📣 Prepared for Action?
If you’re navigating family stress, communication breakdowns, or patterns you don’t want to repeat, therapy can be a safe place to sort through it without blame.
Your story deserves time, space, and curiosity.
