How Relationships Shape Us and We Shape Them.
💬 Why Relationships Matter in Therapy
Relationships shape us, and we shape them in return. This week, we’re exploring family systems theory and attachment science to gain a deeper understanding of the emotional patterns we carry into adulthood. Often, what feels like “just the way I am” is actually “how I learned to be” in relationship to others.
When we slow down and get curious, we may notice:
We’re always trying to manage belonging or avoid rejection
Our nervous systems are trained to respond to certain emotional roles
The past can still live in the present, especially in our closest relationships
This is where couples and family therapy can help trace these patterns back to their origins and give you tools to change them.
🧠 What Is Family Systems and Attachment Theory?
Family Systems Theory (Murray Bowen) views individuals as part of an emotional system, where everyone plays a role. These roles often get passed down without examination.
Attachment Theory (John Bowlby, Sue Johnson) explains how early bonding with caregivers shapes how we connect, trust, and handle conflict in adulthood.
Together, these theories help us understand the “why” behind how we relate and how to heal the patterns that no longer serve us.
In both models, the goal isn’t to blame families or dig up the past unnecessarily; it’s to understand how early experiences form templates that still influence us today.
🔎 Signs You Might Benefit from Family or Couples Therapy
You might benefit from relational therapy if you notice:
Recurring conflict with your partner, child, or caregiver
Emotional shutdowns or anxiety in closeness
Feeling like you’re stuck in a role (“the fixer,” “the avoider,” “the emotional one”)
Patterns that repeat across generations (e.g., estrangement, overwork, silence)
❓What to Bring Into Therapy
In family or couples therapy, you don’t need to have it all figured out. Some powerful questions to explore:
“Where did I learn to handle conflict this way?”
“What role did I take in my family growing up?”
“What feels emotionally familiar… even when it’s not helpful?”
“How do I want to relate differently — and what gets in the way?”
🛋️ Tend to it in Therapy
Your therapist may help you:
Map out your early relationship roles
Understand attachment dynamics (avoidant, anxious, secure)
Identify inherited emotional patterns
Shift reactive behaviours through curiosity, not criticism
Practice staying present in discomfort
Therapy can also provide space to grieve the roles you didn’t choose but learned to carry and begin shaping something new.
✨ Somatic Practice: Where Do You Hold Your Role?
Try this 5-minute awareness practice:
Step 1: Sit or lie in a comfortable position. Bring to mind a recent interaction that felt emotionally intense or confusing.
Step 2: Ask:
“What role did I feel I was in?” (e.g., fixer, avoider, explainer)
“Where in my body do I feel the weight of that role?”
Step 3: See if the sensation has a size, shape, or texture. Breathe gently into it.
Step 4: Ask that part of your body, “Do I still need to carry this role right now?”
You don’t have to let go of everything — just listen. Change begins with awareness.
📣 Prepared for Action?
Whether you’re navigating family tension, relationship fatigue, or simply feeling stuck in old patterns, therapy can help make sense of your story and shape something new.
